Safe But Not Sound

So I'm currently writing between trying to create a lesson plan for tomorrow and studying on how to apply physics into construction.  I must admit, doing things with my hands have never been a strong point.  But even if I won't be doing it myself, I have to learn how to do so well enough to teach others.  You know the old adage. Those who can't do, teach.  So while I may not be very good at things like construction, electrical work, mechanic work and other such tasks, I can teach others how to be good.  I suppose that goes with survival.  While physically, I'm still alive and have survived.  I can't say the same for my soul or whatever inner piece is within me.  Whatever you want to call it.  I feel as though a piece of me has died.  Died, forever.  I know it may sound a bit dark and hopelessly emo, but we live in dark times.  Sometimes I'm worried that I'm little better than the walking dead that rummage outside our doors and gates.  But then, I remember I am.  I'm at least doing something.  I'm teaching.  The one and only thing I can enjoy now.  I'm terrified to let anyone too close in these times.  We're all at risk here.  Every single one of us.  I can't risk letting myself get hurt emotionally like that.  Not when there is so much I need to do.  So much I can help with.  But even more important.  I can't let myself hurt others like that.  I'd rather be distant and aloof, then to let others get in close to me and then die on them.  I don't want to hurt them like that.  I am forever grateful to Josh and his crew, but I'm genuinely afraid to be close to them.

It's a first for me.  I've not been afraid of much of anything my entire life.  At least not since Drew passed away 4 or so years ago.  I sometimes muse about what he would think about this world, as it is now. Covered by the walking damned.  He was the one who got me interested in the whole zombie thing in the first place.  He was fascinated by the concept.  Of course, it was until after his passing that I began to think a zombie apocalypse was even possible.  But then again, thinking of such a possibility is why I've survived.  I've always been aware of the possibility that the walking dead would roam the earth.  So I had made plans, and when the time came to carry them out I was ready.  I grabbed my family, and a couple of friends and we hunkered down.  We were doing so well for ourselves.  We didn't have all the commodities of our previous life. But it was manageable. 

Then the damn things had to get smart.  I never planned for that.  I always assumed they would either be one type or the other.  Once I saw they weren't that smart, I chose the plan that best suited them and went with it, never giving thought that they could become smarter.  That was my failure, and it cost my friends and family their lives.  If it wasn't for Josh and his Compound, it would've cost me mine too.  I still have hope that maybe my other group of friends made it to their designated space and survived, but hell if I know.  I haven't heard from them since this all began and we decided to go our separate ways.  I wish I had gone with them.  Maybe my family.  The one few people I still loved before the fall would be alive.  I sometimes wonder how Jen is doing, but then I remember.  She wouldn't have survived in Jersey.  She couldn't survive.  She didn't know the first thing about zombie survival.  So it's all gone.  So all I have is teaching.  That's it.  Maybe I can give those left, the ability to protect the things, the people they love, where I failed.  It's the only hope I have left.  

So I guess I should get back to it, instead of wasting time.  I'm not even sure if anyone will ever read this.  If they do.  Just remember, protect the things you love.  Cherish them, and never forget them.  You never know when you will lose them.