A Prison of Need

So I just got done reading Josh's newest entry into the blog, using my computer and a little bit of the power from the compound.  I try to keep up with it daily.  In some ways, it's the only way to keep with daily events around the compound.  Especially since I haven't really gotten into the swing of being social again.  Today's post surprised me.  I never thought much about how I was teaching, only that it needed to be done and in a way that anyone could understand.  I also knew I had to teach somewhat organically being the main teacher here.  I didn't really think of it as innovative or anything, but I suppose given how education used to be before the fall, well I suppose it would be downright revolutionary.  I'm glad he likes how I teach.  To me it's the only real way to teach in these times.  Not to say that if someone comes up with a better idea (which Jackie and Will often do) I won't adopt their ideas into my style of teaching.  Hell, the more information and the more ideas given, the more I can incorporate.  At least until it becomes too large a task for just me.  Who knows, maybe I can have some of these people teach others.  Or hell, if Will would be up for it, I'd have him do it.  But for right now I can manage it I think.  I definitely don't mind my time being taken up.

The one thing that did bother me though was not letting me out of the compound to help with other things.  I definitely understand being a valuable resource, but I feel that'd be a slippery slope to walk on.  It's not that I really would want to go out there, but the option of being able to do so is important to me.  Maybe if they approach me about it, something can be worked out.  If not, well I'll deal with it.  I came here with the understanding I'd live under their laws.  I just want to help as much as possible.

Godsend

I have to admit, I'm glad Josh put me in touch with Jackie and Will.  They both help me think on a different level, and quite honestly, despite my desire to not get close to anyone, I was starting to feel a bit lonely.  I always seem to forget that in the end I need more than just be around people.  I need to talk, to interact with them, and more than just on a professional (if you can even call it that) level.  I suppose I'm just worried. Things have been good for me here, but the pain still lingers.  Losing my family and friends remind me of everyone else I lost even before the fall, and it just seems to hit me all at once at times.  Fortunately, I'm pretty good at holding it together until I can be alone. But still, I always felt I was stronger than that.  I might start offering some more of my suggestions for defense, supplies, and such to Josh and the Council.  I feel it's my way of paying them back.  I know they probably feel my teaching does that.  In all honesty though, I teach for myself, and for everyone.  I hope those guys with the sheep will be allright.  Godspeed to them.  You know, assuming there is even such a thing.

I'm a bit worried about them finding the remains of other groups of survivors.  If people are still out lingering around, and not bunkered up somewhere by now, they should be.  I understand people need supplies and are trying to connect to others out there, but in these times, it's best just to stay put for as long as you can.

Josh has the right idea with this place.  Expand it carefully and methodically.  I wish there was a better way to protect the people out there doing the construction and such.  It pains me every time I hear of an attack on them.  Maybe if we can find a way to have the more engineering minded folk design some sort of construct to build from the safety of the rooftops and such.  Especially fencing.  What I wouldn't give for a high-rise mobile crane right about now.  But we work with what we've got.  Still there has to be a way, just got to think of it.  Course then I have to let Josh and them know about it and apply it (if it's even applicable).  Maybe I'll talk to Will some about it.  He's got a great mind.  Always turning.  

Safe But Not Sound

So I'm currently writing between trying to create a lesson plan for tomorrow and studying on how to apply physics into construction.  I must admit, doing things with my hands have never been a strong point.  But even if I won't be doing it myself, I have to learn how to do so well enough to teach others.  You know the old adage. Those who can't do, teach.  So while I may not be very good at things like construction, electrical work, mechanic work and other such tasks, I can teach others how to be good.  I suppose that goes with survival.  While physically, I'm still alive and have survived.  I can't say the same for my soul or whatever inner piece is within me.  Whatever you want to call it.  I feel as though a piece of me has died.  Died, forever.  I know it may sound a bit dark and hopelessly emo, but we live in dark times.  Sometimes I'm worried that I'm little better than the walking dead that rummage outside our doors and gates.  But then, I remember I am.  I'm at least doing something.  I'm teaching.  The one and only thing I can enjoy now.  I'm terrified to let anyone too close in these times.  We're all at risk here.  Every single one of us.  I can't risk letting myself get hurt emotionally like that.  Not when there is so much I need to do.  So much I can help with.  But even more important.  I can't let myself hurt others like that.  I'd rather be distant and aloof, then to let others get in close to me and then die on them.  I don't want to hurt them like that.  I am forever grateful to Josh and his crew, but I'm genuinely afraid to be close to them.

It's a first for me.  I've not been afraid of much of anything my entire life.  At least not since Drew passed away 4 or so years ago.  I sometimes muse about what he would think about this world, as it is now. Covered by the walking damned.  He was the one who got me interested in the whole zombie thing in the first place.  He was fascinated by the concept.  Of course, it was until after his passing that I began to think a zombie apocalypse was even possible.  But then again, thinking of such a possibility is why I've survived.  I've always been aware of the possibility that the walking dead would roam the earth.  So I had made plans, and when the time came to carry them out I was ready.  I grabbed my family, and a couple of friends and we hunkered down.  We were doing so well for ourselves.  We didn't have all the commodities of our previous life. But it was manageable. 

Then the damn things had to get smart.  I never planned for that.  I always assumed they would either be one type or the other.  Once I saw they weren't that smart, I chose the plan that best suited them and went with it, never giving thought that they could become smarter.  That was my failure, and it cost my friends and family their lives.  If it wasn't for Josh and his Compound, it would've cost me mine too.  I still have hope that maybe my other group of friends made it to their designated space and survived, but hell if I know.  I haven't heard from them since this all began and we decided to go our separate ways.  I wish I had gone with them.  Maybe my family.  The one few people I still loved before the fall would be alive.  I sometimes wonder how Jen is doing, but then I remember.  She wouldn't have survived in Jersey.  She couldn't survive.  She didn't know the first thing about zombie survival.  So it's all gone.  So all I have is teaching.  That's it.  Maybe I can give those left, the ability to protect the things, the people they love, where I failed.  It's the only hope I have left.  

So I guess I should get back to it, instead of wasting time.  I'm not even sure if anyone will ever read this.  If they do.  Just remember, protect the things you love.  Cherish them, and never forget them.  You never know when you will lose them.